I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
