I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
