Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
