so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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