Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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