There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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