We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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