Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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