Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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