Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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