I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
