Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
