i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
