i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize