I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
