I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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