too bad you live with your parents still
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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