so that wasnt chicken after all
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
