Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
