We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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