i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
