I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I have already put on my inside pants.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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