we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
