At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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