I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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