This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
