I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He kissed a someone with a penis
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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