You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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