I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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