I could have mohawked her pubes.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
