Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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