i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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