I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
