see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
