I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
