I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
