Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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