The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
