Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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