1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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