i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
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The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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