Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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