The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
