Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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