I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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