My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
