dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
