My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
