Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Drunk is not a location!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
