So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
