You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
