as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
