hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
