I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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