I think my fart just growled at me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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