Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
