I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
